did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
