I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
