Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
