I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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