I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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