There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
