if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Randomize
