I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize