I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
