Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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