I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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