I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Im part way to drunk.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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