True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
