oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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