I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
