My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
