you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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