I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
