I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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