Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
