Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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