I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
there is glitter all over my balls
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