All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
