dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
