My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
