In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
