After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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