i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
