I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
