just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
