Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
