forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
