we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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