The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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