I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Randomize
