I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
