4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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