someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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