No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i out mim tonsoeep
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