I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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