If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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