I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
