Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
