I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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