My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
