Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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