Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You're like the curious george of whores
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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