I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
