I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
