so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
