I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
