My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize