i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
