chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
