Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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