I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
