i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
