I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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