Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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